Lord of the Wrinklies

Hi everybody

Please note that this is an experimental DRAFT (version 11 today) of a pantomime that I am still developing as a creative writing exercise. It has a lot of wild ideas, some that may be unusable. I would love to hear any suggestions from you about additions, deletions or changes of any names, songs, story-lines etc.

I have got lots of pleasure from creating this, and for the past three months I have enjoyed watching you all performing it inside my head. If you don't want to perform it outside my head, or if you just want to use one or two of my ideas in another play, that's cool by me.

Also, note that this is a DREAM, so it moves from past to present, from fantasy to reality and back again as dreams do.

I have tried to give lines to as many people as possible, and make no part too big. It has lots of activies for primary school cast members, and opportunities for teenagers to gain NZQA drama credit points. It is about 65% as long as Arabian Nites, has easy-to-make interactive scenery, 18 songs and references to 17 famous movies. See if you can spot them all.

Enjoy reading it
John Archer
27 Feb 2013

Plot outline

Scene 2 - "Middle Earth" Ohakune street
In his dream, the old carrot grower attends a "Lord of the Rings" carrot carnival. But there are fears that an invasion from Lord Awry and Lady Zen's coastal domains will destroy the carrot fields. Young Billy evades slimy Humphrey Dumphries' offer, and goes off to a cave under Ruapehu to find a new livlihood. Full scene

Scene 3 - Cave under Mt Ruapehu
Billy meets a giant cave weta, Wottenwood, who helps him rescue Bonny Betty. They spy some dancing diamond miners and unearth an old Maori man Ruaumoko. Full scene

Scene 4 - the same "Middle Earth" Ohakune street
Ruamoko is a descendant of the old earthquake god, and he demonstrates this by making Ruapehu erupt, causing it to spit out the ring thrown into it's crater during the filming of LOTR. When rubbed it first summons the money-grubbing Kid Dotcon, then Peter Jackson. Jackson tries to improvise some weapons to defend the carrot growers from the invading Awry Zen's army, but the growers are overwhelmed. However Jackson shoots some good battle footage. Full scene

Scene 5 - a carrot field with Ruapehu behind
The defeated growers are down on the ground replacing their carrots with grass. Sadly they sing "Look down, look down, don't look them in the eye. Look down, look down, and watch our carrots die." At knock-off time they decide to do an evening tramp up to Blyth Hut, above which the Rangataua Pet can be seen. Bonny Betty sweet-talks Billy into carrying her pack. Full scene

Scene 6 - on the side of Ruapehu above Blyth Hut, at night
In the foggy dark the trampers go way up the ridge past Blyth hut and discover that the Rangataua Pet is indeed a giant spaceship, full of one-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters, who have come to Middle Earth to buy carrots. When they learn of the Awry/Zen problem, their leader Sigurny Wifa, who has fallen in love with Wottenwood, offers to help with an early morning attack on the Awry/Zen forces, although their very useful 8-part love potion is still lacking a key 9th ingredient. Full scene

Scene 7 - Massey Flat on the slopes of Mt Ruaphu, midnight
Captain Sigurny takes Billy, Bonny Betty, Wottenwood and the carrot grower trampers for a quick midnight trip in her Planetary Exporation Transporter, P.E.T. 293, to link up with Ruaumoko and the Snow Queen who are at loggerheads up at Massy Flat. Full scene

Scene 8 - Awry Zen's headquarters at the Powderkeg, early hours
Lord Awry and Lady Zen are also arguing when Humpty Dumphies and Kid Dotcon come to them with news that the carrot growers,et al. are going to attack at first light. Awry and Zen immediatly call for a pre-dawn counter-strike. Full scene

Scene 9 - Preparing for battle at Massey Flat, pre dawn
These weird plot contortions have been contrived to set us up so we can now make Phil's day by singing "One Day More" from Les Mis, in seven parts. "Another day, another destiny. this never-ending road to greenery; Awry Zens want our farms all green, they stopped our carrot harvesting. One day more!"

As this finishes and real swords are handed out for a bloodthirsty Les Miserables ending to our play, a teenage girl in the audience stands up and berates the cast, "This pantomime is too violent; we young people want to see peace. And love. And laughter." She bursts into tears.

Nonplussed, director Peter Jackson tells the cast to wing it, so the PET's scientist conveniently discovers that Rangataua Green is the magic ingredient for love potion number 9 after testing it on Ruaumoko and the Snow Queen, instantly turning the scrappers into lovebirds. So PET agents are sent to spray Lord Awry and Lady Zen too. Moments before the Awry/Zen attack, they suddenly become lovebirds too, and call off the whole invasion. The four pairs of lovers then go into an 8-part version of "Tonight" from West Side Story. Full scene

Scene 10. Ohakune street, near the Keg
As morning dawns peacefully, the nor'wester holding PET 293 to the side of the mountain suddenly weakens. They must leave at once. Wottenwood decides to go with Sigurny and is given a farewell gift of a bucket full of Weta Workshop "diamonds." The final curtain falls as the ship rises into the sky.

Then Peter Jackson, filming away outside the curtain, suddenly notices that Wottenwood was given a bucket full of his own real diamonds, and he makes a desperate attempt to stop the play from ending so he can retrieve them. Full scene

Lord of the Wrinklies

The Awry Zen's Carrot War

Plot outline