Lord of the WrinkliesThe Awry Zen’s Carrot WarScene 1 - Living roomFront of curtain
Garry Dearman (Don Cameron?) enters, elderly, wrinkled, tired, talking on cellphone, slumps into armchair right stage, on left of audience) Yeah Ron, I got the last of m’ carrots planted t’day…… (listens) Yeah! Too true! That paddock could very well be the last paddock full stop. It’s that confounded One Plan. With the cost and hassle of getting resource consents from those Horizons wallahs in Palmy, and lawyers fees, and all the paperwork, it’s getting harder each year t’ grow a crop…….! Well, good night. (flips phone shut mutters) Horizons! They act like the lord of the manor at times…. (drifts off to sleep then suddenly disturbed by a dream, waves arm to fend off attackers) Scene 2. “Middle Earth” Ohakune streetCurtain opens “Middle Earth Mountain Rocks” sign stage left, with table and chairs. People in “Middle Earth” clothing gathered to watch carrot carnival. Garry Dearman and four other wrinkly old carrot growers at table begin singing. Crowd of field workers, lifties, restaurant staff etc (adults in the cast) behind them sing refrains. As they sway from side to side, the mountain sways from side to side also. Crowd That is so true! That is so true! Growers And today we’re going to have some fun and frolic Crowd We’re joining you! We’re joining you! Growers Yesterday, we finished all our carrot sowing, Crowd That’s great to hear! That’s great to hear! Growers And now we want to get a party going Crowd Bring on the beer! Bring on the beer! Everyone Carrots, parsnips, spuds and brussels sprouts Carrots, parsnips, spuds and brussels sprouts We sow them in, we dig them out We sow them in, we dig them out We’ve got veges everywhere, We sow them in, we dig them out! Brian Eates (John Eades?) That's right everybody, we've finished planting all our carrots! So join us in a drink to the success of this carrot season. The reputation of our crops is a tribute to all you carrot growers here. Scott Notion And to us chefs as well Garry. It's not just you growers who have made our carrots world famous. We chefs here in Middle Earth add that je ne sais pas when we present them to diners. Brian Eates Yeah? Diners only get two options when you serve carrots don’t they? Raw or cooked.
Scott Notion Oh no! There’s lots more ways. There’s ...
Brian Eates All right, we get the picture. Ron Flew (or Mrs Flew) Huh! We won’t be eating carrots every day much longer if our outriders can’t protect our Middle Earth borders. Cyril Sun (or a woman grower) And there won’t be any more carrot festivals either Ron. Us wrinklies could well be the last of the carrot growers in this district. Garry Dman Unless Lord Hippolyte Hibberd Awry and Lady Amanda Zen can be stopped from invading our district Brian. Brian Eates (sarcastic) Lord Hip-hip Awry and the Ama Zen Lady! According to the latest rumours Garry, they’re going to combine forces and make one great Awry Zen army. Garry Dman Yeah! They’re plotting in their dukedoms down on the Manawatu and Wanganui coastlands to bring their army up here and put their dreaded No One Plan into action. Ron Flew Garry, that confounded Awry Zens’ No One Plan will ruin us all! No one farming around our mountain will be able to plough up their land any more. Cyril Sun Yeah Ron, they want t’ replace all our agricultural land with grass, t ’promote this district’s clean green image for the Awry Zen’s great (sarcastic) money-making tourist enterprise. John Eates That Awry Zens’ No One Plan of is going to put us wrinkly old vegetable growers out of business Cyril. Our young folk like Bold Billy Braveheart here won’t be able to carry the old traditions. Bold Billy Braveheart (principal boy - Matt Dowman? Diana? Or both of them – split this role into two boys?) There isn’t much we can do to stop the Awry Zens is there? But if they are going to bring more tourists here, then I’m going to earn a living by finding new attractions to show them. Cyril Sun What new attractions Billy? Bold Billy A deer-stalking mate told me about a tunnel he found at the bottom of the mountain. It must have been formed by an old lava flow. I’m going to explore it. It may have glow-worms in it. Humphrey Dumfries (Nigel?) (Entering. Fat, slimy, the villain ) Glow worms! We’ve got volcanic rock here Billy. Glow worms are found in limestone caves. The only things you might find glittering on our rocks are what they get out of the volcanic rocks in South Africa. Diamonds! Who knows? You might get lucky. Haw, haw! A fat chance of that. Ron Frew So what would you suggest young Billy does then Mister Dumphries? Humphrey D If you want to get onto a sure thing Billy, come and work for me in my real estate development business, Humphrey Dumphries Unlimited. I’m borrowing money to buy farms from struggling carrot growers. Then I'm turning the land into walled estates to sell to overseas billionaires. I need a strong young lad to build the stone walls for me. And mow the lawns ...dozens of acres. Bold Billy No thanks, Mister Dumfries. I want to develop my own business. I’m just heading off now to check out that cave for glow worms. Who knows, I might find diamonds! (exits stage right, and turns at side curtain) Yeah, right! Curtain closesScene 3 - Cave under mountainFront of curtain, All in pitch darkness Bold Billy enters stage right, crawls across stage in front of curtain with a small torch.
Wottenwood (Richard? ) Menacing slow dance towards BBB, who steps back in time to music, miming horror) Bold Billy Oh, I’m sorry Mister Weta. I won’t do anything without asking you if it’s OK. Juuuust keep those big mandibles of yours away from me. I don’t want to be eaten by you. Wottenwood Nah, I wouldn’t eat you. I’m a vegetarian, although all I’ve had to eat down here are rotten leaves and twigs that the wind blows in. Bold Billy Right then, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse. Take a bite of this carrot. (He pulls a carrot from his pocket) Wottenwood (munches) Yum! Delicious! I could happily live on these. (Puts out foreleg/hand) Wottenwood’s the name boy. Anything I can do to help you, just ask. Bold Billy Pleased t’meet ‘cha Wottenwood, I’m Billy. Thanks for your offer. If you come with me, I can get you plenty more of those carrots. (pauses) For now, at any rate. Voice from below (Brooklyn? Diana? Or split this role for two girls also?) Help! Help! You lot up there; can you help me? Help! Bold Billy (looks over ledge front of stage, shines torch) Oh, it’s you! Bonny Betty Brighteyes! Gosh, you’re a long way down. No problems though. My mate Wottenwood is good at crawling down cliffs. Ad lib your lines here – Wottenwood crawls down the cliff, Betty screams in fear, is calmed, and then helped up. She thanks them, hugging and then kissing Billy enthusiastically then hugging Wwd, with some reluctance. “Oh Mister Wottenwood, you are so strong, so very strong!” Wwd holds his face out expectantly, “ So do I get a kiss too?” BBB finally kisses him – and he begins a transformation into a man. He straightens up. Hind legs, rear end, thorax all fall off. But not his head. (We need his ugly head later in the story, but all those spiky rear bits would create havoc in the confined area backstage, and being bent over all the time would be painful) Bonny Betty Goodness me, I feel just like the princess who turned the frog into a prince by kissing it. Wottenwood Actually you’ve just managed to unhook my prosthetic exoskeleton. I’m not a real weta of course. Real wetas can’t speak or sing you know. And (sadly) I’m not a prince either. Just a stunt-man. I was put into this suit when the great Lord Peter Jackson made his picture about that giant ape. Bonny Betty King Kong? I saw that picture. Were you the weta in it? You were so good. Wottenwood Thank you. I haven’t seen the picture yet because the crew accidentally left me behind here. It was just as well I was still wearing all that gear so I could climb down the rock wall and rescue you, eh? Bold Billy It certainly was, Mister Wottenwood. And how exactly did you end up down there, Bonny Betty?
Bonny Betty I was on my way to visit my friend Susie Snowwhite, when I saw seven bearded men with picks and shovels heading off behind Raetihi Hill. I followed them into this cave, but in the dark I slipped down that hole. It was real scary, but my organic salad garden is going to get a boost, because (pauses) I think I’ve discovered a really good supply of - (pauses wipes face, looks at her hand with disgust says slowly) yeccch! - bat droppings?
Voices Hi hoooo, Hi hooooo, Hi hooooo, Hi hooooo, Hi hooooooooooooo:
Bonny Betty It’s those bearded men. Quick, hide.
Voices Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Seven Hobbits Our seven shortest actors in beards and big gumboots march on stage left with lanterns, picks, shovels. Last and smallest (Harry?) has a bucket of diamonds. They do a boot stomp dance and march off stage right. Bold Billy Wow, did you hear that! There really are diamonds under Ruapehu! Old Humphrey Dumphries is going to be soooo jealous.
Bonny Betty Diamonds! Oh Billy Braveheart! I’ve always wanted to have diamonds. (Sings Marilyn Monroe song) Bold Billy No problems, Betty Brighteyes, I’ll go down that mineshaft right now and find those diamonds for you. And I’ll save the town at the same time. Instead of being the Big Carrot, Middle Earth will become known as the Big Diamond! Wait here; I won’t be long.
Wottenwood What about over here Billy? There might be diamonds in this little side tunnel. It’s been blocked by rocks. (tunnel in centre gap of curtain) Ad lib your lines here They remove rocks. Then muffled curses, in Maori. Po-koko-hua etc. Big Maori man is revealed (RFS manager?) He introduces himself as Louie Ruaumoko. They guide him out of cave. Scene 4 - the same Middle Earth/Ohakune streetCurtain opensAd lib your lines here. The group from the cave meet the wrinkly carrot growers and general crowd of adults still sitting outside the Rocks. Brave Billy and Bonny Betty tell of their adventures. When Ruaumoko is introduced, the name is queried. Ron Flew So you’d be named after old Ruaumoko who was the god of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, eh Louie? Ruaumoko He was an ancestor of mine Bro. I have inherited many of his powers, and I carry out a lot of his work for him these days. I've spent quite a bit of time recently down under Tongariro letting off steam for him, and I was returning up to the surface by way of that side tunnel. Then I discovered someone had dumped rocks at its entrance. It must have been those get-rich-quick diamond miners. I was rescued by the good work of Wottenwood, Billy and Betty here. Brian Eates If you have some of the earthquake god’s powers, can you use them to help us to defend our carrot fields against the Awry Zens and their evil No One Plan?
Ruaumoko No problems cuz. When the great wizard Lord Peter Jackson created his magic moving pictures here a few years ago, he threw a golden ring into the mouth of Ruapehu. Watch this. (begins to perform East Coast haka Ruaumoko, stamping ground.) Garry Dman A golden ring with writing on it!
Wottenwood That’s just the prop Peter Jackson used when he created his Lord of the Rings pictures here. But it doesn’t have any real magic powers of course. Just try it on. Nothing will happen.
Sherl the farmer’s wife (Jude?) grabs at ring, bumps into invisible Garry Dman, gets up, gets hold of invisible finger and withdraws ring. A flash and Garry Dearman reappears. Ruaumoko Don’t put the ring on your finger: just rub it. Sherl rubs the ring against Brian Eade’s stomach, another flash and a large man wearing a baseball cap (Grant?) appears. Everyone Oh, it’s the great wizard Lord Peter Jackson! Large Man (Grant? ) Nein, I’m ze great vizard Kid Dotcon. But I can work ze vunders alzo, just as he does. Ze only difference is zat Kiwi politicians bribe Peter Jackson to get him to do his verk here in New Zealant….. And vith me it’s ze udder vay rount. Someone So can you stop the Awry Zens from taking our carrot fields away from us? Dotcon Of course I can do it. Zat is vy I am here. My MegaMoneyMaker device sent me an alert. It tolt me Bonny Betty Brighteyes vas texting her frients about der mineshaft full of ze diamants zat she found near Mittle Earth. Bold Billy We were going to save the town with those diamonds! Dotcon Ant you vill still be able to! Upload zem all to my MegaVault and I vill pass some of zem along to my parliamentary friend Ze Honourable John Banker. He vill be sure to help you. It is amazing how a gift or two under ze table helps you to get arount ze troublesome regulations. Geof the DoC Ranger (running in) That eruption - it’s dumped a big rock on the entrance of the lava tunnel !! There are 7 actors who were rehearsing for the next Hobbit picture trapped inside! Everyone O disaster, disaster!
Ruaumoko Kua hua te marama. Ha, ha, ha! The Snow Queen (running in. Katherine? Di? Someone older who can sing, and also fit one of this year’s winning Snow Queen costumes.) That eruption! It’s put ash all over the nice new snow my elves have been making up at Turoa. Our skifield will be closed for the rest of the season! Everyone O disaster, disaster! Ruaumoko Sorry about that O great Snow Queen. But look at Ruapehu now: the whole mountain is a thousand feet higher. When you get more snow on your skifield, it will stay there for an extra two months! The Snow Queen (running in. Katherine? Di? Someone older who can sing, and also fit one of this year’s winning Snow Queen costumes.) That eruption! It’s put ash all over the nice new snow my elves have been making up at Turoa. Our skifield will be closed for the rest of the season! Murray the truck driver (John Archer? running in) I’ve seen them! The Awry Zens. They’re already past Waiouru. They overran the garrison at the army museum, and they’re already at Deadmans. Everyone O disaster, disaster! Sherl Only the great Peter Jackson can save us now! I’ll try rubbing the ring again!
Ruaumoko But not on Brian’s stomach this time, rub it on his beard.
Peter Jackson ( Peaches?) You called me? Lord Peter Jackson at your service. How may I help? Various calls We need you to create an army for us. Peter Jackson No problems. I can whip one up for you in less than six months. Just give me a 50 million dollar government grant, 200 special effects experts, 5 supercomputers, a giant green screen, three hundred actors and four film crews. Someone Ahh… what can you whip up in less than six minutes? We can give you 10 wrinkly old carrot farmers, a pile of Ruapehu Bulletins and this cardboard movie camera. Peter Jackson All right, fold some of the newspapers like so, and roll the rest of them up. Meanwhile down in the auditorium Lord Awry (Alan?) and Lady Ama Zen (Katherine? Di?) have the kids (who also play the Hobbits and film crew) and more selected members of the audience similarly armed and attired. Ohakune Brass Band start playing Men of Harlech. Those on stage sing. (The Band Of Her Majesty’s Welsh Guards) Do you hear like rushing billow Wave on wave that surging follow Battle's distant sound? Tis the tramp of ‘Wry Zen’s foemen, ‘Wry Zen’s spearmen, ‘Wry Zen’s bowmen, Be they knights or hinds or yeomen, They shall bite the ground! Both armies line up facing each other waving swords in time to the music. Peter Jackson (behind cardboard box movie camera) Everyone in their places. (nods to Clapper Loader)
Clapper Loader (Joel Mears?) Scene 26. The armies advance. Take one. And… ACTION!
Peter Jackson “CUT!” (Everyone freezes. He relocates his camera and continues. Nods to CL)
Clapper Loader Scene 27. The Carroties fall back and are overwhelmed. Take one. Peter Jackson And…CUT! All right everybody; it’s a wrap. Curtain closesThis is an optional place for an early INTERVAL Scene 5 - Carrot field with Ruapehu behind.Curtain opensCarrot growers, guarded by Lord Awry (Alan?), etc. are kneeling on ground pulling out carrots and laying down instant lawn. They are singing Look Down, from Les Miserables.
Carrot growers Look down, look down
Garry Dman The sun is strong Carrot growers Look down, look down,
Ron Flew This is so wrong!
Carrot growers Look down look down, Cyril Sun For our carrots to get through! Carrot growers Look down, look down,
Brian Eates When I get free
Carrot growers Look down, look down,
Grower Five How long, oh Lord
Carrot growers Look down, look down, Lord Awry All right everybody. Knock-off time. The week-end is all yours. You’ve been doing a fine job in the greening of the Waimarino. See you back here on Monday morning. Lady Ama Zen (Katherine?) It’s beer o’clock for me. I’ll shout you all an ale at the Rocks for doing such good work today. (Exits with Lord Awry and Awry Zen guards) Brian Eates (aside to other CGs) Beer o’clock! I haven’t got time for beer-drinking these days. Or enough money for it. I’ve got to go off and water my little carrot plot. Dopey Dan (Liz Brooker?) Oh, you’re into illegal horticulture these days as well Brian! I’ve been growing Rangataua Green for years, but now I’ve switched to Ohakune Orange because there’s much better money in it these days. Brian Eates Yeah, Dopey, the top restaurants in Auckland are fighting to get Ohakune carrots. They tried serving those ones from Timaru but basically those southern varieties are only juicing grade, and customers wouldn’t eat them. Garry Dman I’ve got my carrot crop hidden in the bush behind Rangataua; where have you got yours Brian? Brian Eates I’ve got mine in the Karioi pine plantation. They look just like pine seedlings. What’s your favourite area Dopey? Dopey Dan The police helicopter kept finding all my patches, so now I grow my carrot the same way as I grow my weed. Hy-dro-po-nic-ly. Cyril Sun Hydroponic carrots! Your bill from the Lines Company must be enormous Dopey! Dopey Dan Nah! I’ve followed the trend and gone offline Cyril. Got a windmill on the ridge and a turbine on that waterfall in the bush behind my place. The power doesn’t cost me a cent. Brian Eates Well, I’m off to my plot. No rest for the wicked. See y’ tomorrow. They all say goodbye and exit. Enter BBB and BBB Bold Billy Oh Bonny Betty Brighteyes, I won’t be getting you that diamond necklace after all. Bonny Betty Those little people I saw going to dig for diamonds were only actors rehearsing the next picture Peter Jackson is going to make up this way, eh? Bold Billy He’s calling it “Snow White and the Seven Hobbits.” Bonny Betty And those so-called “diamonds” we saw them carrying must have been all been props created in the Weta Workshops. Wottenwood says he knows the weta who crafted them. So you will never have that Big Diamond outside Middle Earth now Billy. Bold Billy Never mind Betty, the sparkle in your eyes when we got you out of that cavern was more precious to me than any gemstone. It was a real 24-carat smile. I guess you must eat a lot of carrots. Bonny Betty O you are so silly Billy, a real big silly-billy! (simpers) Bold Billy No Betty I mean it….(sings) Bonny Betty To write on
Bold Billy You are 16 going on 17
Bonny Betty I am 16 going on 17
Bold Billy Yes you certainly can depend on me.
Bonny Betty Oh great, I was hoping I could: I’m going on a tramping trip with some of the carrot growers up to the Blyth Hut this evening. You can carry my pack for me. (She hands him an old Mountain Mule with billies etc attached all over it.) Ron Flew Oh good. You've got your gear Betty; and a bearer for it as well... Excellent! We’re almost ready to roll. (to others) Can you share this lot out amongst all of you? (packs opened, fiddled with) Candy Moth (Lynn Pope? Kandy Mott?) We’re going to have great weather: there’s a nor’wester blowing. Dopey Dan Yes, look at the mountain: the Rangataua Pet has arrived. Ron Flew I remember our old science teacher at Rock College telling us that … (quickly, parrot fashion) the Pet is formed when a moist air flow from the north west rises up over Mt Ruapehu and a large-scale standing wave forms on its south east side. Cyril Sun (facing him and cutting in) The temperature at the crest of the wave drops to the dew point, so moisture in the air condenses to form lenticular clouds. Both of them As the moist air moves back down into the trough of the wave, the cloud evaporates back into vapour! Candy Moth That’s what they say…..! Dopey Dan ...but we know it’s a mothership from a planet near Alpha Centauri... Candy Moth ...full of members of an advanced civilization …. Dopey Dan ... who have come to bring peace, wisdom and prosperity to those of us who live around the mountain… Candy Moth ...and to protect us all from alien monsters and evil despots.
Bold Billy I guess we’ll find out when we get to Blyth Hut, eh?
Peter Jackson “CUT! All right everybody; it’s a wrap. Time for a break and a cup of tea. I’ll see you all back here on the set in 20 minutes. Curtain closesINTERVALScene 6 - Side of Ruapehu above Blyth Hut, at nightCurtain opens  Smoke machine makes fog on darkened stage. Trampers enter from rear of audience with headlamps, singing He says he's 65 today He reached that age by staying away From the slopes of Ruapehu Away, away, with billy and pack… Hear us holler and hear us call as up Girdlestone we crawl And all we see is nothing at all On the slopes of Ruapehu Away, away, with billy and pack (reach stage, bump into each other) Garry D (in front) I can’t see anything in this fog. We should have reached Blyth Hut twenty minutes ago. Are you sure we haven’t gone straight past it?
All other Trampers (tune of John Brown’s Body, exaggerated marching on the spot)
Candy Moth And then the fog rolled back
Garry D Is that the hut in front of us now? (He shines his torch at it. Lights start flickering down the edge of the craft. As it descends it emanates a green glow. A spotlight from it shines onto them, then floodlights ) Oh, good Lord!
Candy Moth Hey! We were right...
Dopey Dan … the Rangataua Pet is a mothership!
All Aliens We’re the one-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
Garry Ddman (on his mountain radio)
All Aliens We’re the one-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
Trampers You sure look strange to me
Candy Moth (grabs mountain radio)
Alien boy I wouldn't eat you cuz you're too tough All Aliens We’re the one-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
Trampers You sure look strange to me Dopey Dan I say Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line Alien boy It’s collecting Kune carrots coz they sure are fine All Aliens But that's not the only reason why we came to land
Trampers Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple carrot eaters
Aliens We wear short shorts! Garry Ddman Now they’ve run from the scree and onto flat ground Candy Moth They’re a starting to rock, a really rollin' around Dopey Dan It’s a crazy ditty they’re a singin' to All Aliens Sing a bop boppa-boppa loppa lum bam boo!
Everyone, both Aliens and trampers
Smallest Alien Shar-key-lah!
Sigurny (Margaret?) (steps forward and touches antennae with Wottenwood Weta)
Wottenwood Welcome to Middle Earth strangers. I’m Wally Wottenwood, a Weta Workshops stuntman. (shake hands) Sigurny And I am Sigurny Wifa, the commander of P.E.T. 293, our Planetary Exploration Transporter from Alpha Centauri. We have come to bring you bring peace, wisdom and prosperity, and to keep you free from alien monsters and evil despots. (Marcia & Dopey smirk, give thumbs up to each other in background) First Officer (Emma Dowman?) And in return we would like to load our ship with your best Ohakune carrots, especially Mrs Young’s prize purple ones. Cultural Officer (Amanda?) And we also want a gig playing to the cool dudes at the Junction before we return home to Alpha Centauri. A bop boppa boppa loppa lum bam boo! Wottenwood Thank you for the compliment, Sigurny Wifa. And you yourself are far more beautiful than any human I have ever met. Sigurny Yes, we Centaurians are fortunate in our good looks. (aside ) I’m glad we don’t look like your human friends there. Now, how many hundred tonnes of carrots can you supply us with? Cyril Sun Alas, we have been over-run by those despots Lord Hip Hip Awry and the Ama Zen Lady. Candy Moth The Awry Zens have made it impossible for us to plant carrots. Dopey Dan So we can’t supply you with any of them. Wottenwood Unless….. Sigurny Unless? Wottenwood …unless you can help us to get rid of these Awry Zens who have conquered Middle Earth. First Officer The best thing for that is would be a device our ship’s scientist, Madame Rue here, has not yet perfected. It delivers a love potion to stop tyrants going to war and conquering others. Dopey Dan Yeah man! Make love, not war! Make love, not war! (peace signs with fingers) Madame Rue (Gini? Kandy?) Right on, man! This is my love potentiator right here. (uncovers and displays a big multi-coloured water squirter) I’ve plucked passionate plant parts from a plenitude of planets, and put extracts of them in it, but I haven’t got the mix quite right yet. Love potion number eight looked very promising, but I think I still need one more ingredient. First Officer However, we can help you with everything you need for your usual everyday enhanced reality jobs. Teleporting, shape-shifting, hyper-drive, gravity-reversal, time travel… you name it, we can do it. Ron Flew You can? Then we must get together with the others and make a plan. Betty Brighteyes! Can you stop texting Billy Boldheart for a minute, and find out where the Snow Queen and Ruaumoko are? Bonny BB (TXTing, then…) They say they are hiding out in the Massey hut up near Turoa with the Seven Hobbits. Wottenwood How quickly can you get us there Sigurny? Sigurny Usually our Mothership could transport up there in about twenty minutes. But for a creature as handsome as you, I’ll make use of some of our hyperdrive forcefield potential and have us there in - ahh - 42 microseconds. Now could you and your wrinkly friends step aboard please? (She takes Wottenwood’s arm and escorts him aboard. Others follow, singing) Everybody One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
Star Wars music again - flickering lights under craft, smoke (CO2 extinguisher) then a flash and it disappears. Stage lights darken. (Remember it is 10pm on the mountainside!)
Peter Jackson (Appears at stage right with cardboard movie camera)
Film crew appear on stage with clipboards, lights, make-up kits torches, etc, clapping each other on the back. First film crew assistant (Steven Dowman?) Yeah, we’re the world champions when it comes to special effects.
He starts singing We Are The Champions, and all gradually join in. Peter Jackson You are so right team. Now let’s get this next scene into the can. Everybody in their places please.
Clapper Loader (Joel Mears?) Scene 34, Take One, The Mothership lands on MASSEY FLAT. And… ACTION!
Scene 7 - Massey Flat on the slopes of Mt RuaphuMidnight. Stage darkened. Music plays, a fragment of Stars Wars theme. Mothership appears and settles with smoke, flashing lights etc. Sigurny and Wottenwood step out, followed after a time by wrinkly trampers, BBBs and other Pets. Wottenwood Hello there! Ruaumoko? Snow Queen? Ruaumoko and Snow Queen enter stage right, arguing . Snow Queen You clumsy, destructive fool! Ruaumoko Ungrateful old witch! Snow Queen Wrecker! Ruaumoko Iceberg! Snow Queen (sees visitors) Wottenwood, this musclebound giant has just destroyed my new terrain park with another one of his earthquakes. Ruaumoko Hah! The ungrateful old crone doesn’t realise I was just rearranging the lava vents underneath the skifield so that Middle Earth can have its own hot springs. Snow Queen Your hot springs will melt my snow! Ruaumoko My hot springs will double the number of skiers coming to Middle Earth! Wottenwood OK, OK! (hands/forelegs out, waving down) Guys. This is Sigurny Wifa from Alpha Centauri. She’s had 35 years experience getting rid of aliens and other evil beings from the outer extremes of our galaxy. She and her warriors are going to help get our growers back in control of their carrot fields again. Everyone Ad lib, general cheers. Hurray. Yeah. Drive out the Awry Zens. Carrots for ever. All for one and one for all. etc. Sigurny I can provide you with a ground-party of a hundred space-marines for the next few days… First Officer Excuse me, Captain Sigurny, Ma’am, the nor-wester that is anchoring our starship to their mountain is starting to weaken. It will hold us here for less than 12 hours. Sigurny Very well, we must prepare for an attack immediately. Just after dawn? That’s … four hours time? Garry Dman Right. All of us growers will be ready by then. Men. And women too; our Middle Earth ladies don’t take nonsense from anyone. They’re real fighters. Scott Nation And I’ve just tweeted the top chefs in Auckland. They’ve all armed themselves (waves meat cleaver) and are already heading south to help us. They want to be able to serve real carrots to their clients again.
Ruaumoko There’ll be no reinforcements from the Manawatu reaching the Awry Zens either. I’m going underground tonight to shake up the roads across the Mangawekas.
Snow Queen No you won’t, you road wrecker. I’ll close the roads with a big dump of snow on those hills. Ruaumoko It’s too warm for snow there. Snow Queen Just watch me! And so on, ad lib. Curtain closesScene 8 - Awry Zen’s headquarters at the PowderkegMidnight. Front of curtainLord Awry (walks on from stage right) Thompson! Thompson (appearing stage left ) Yes Hip Hip? Lord Awry Lord Hippolyte Hibberd Awry to you Thompson. What’s this order for 100,000 native shrubs? Thompson Lady Amanda Zen ordered them m’ Lord. Lord Awry Tell the Amazon Lady I want to see her right now. Thompson Very good m’ Lord. (exit stage left) Lady Zen (enters, addresses Awry abruptly) Yes? Lord Awry One hundred thousand shrubs? Lady Zen I’m going to make those ugly old carrot fields look pretty. Lord Awry It will take us away over budget. Lady Zen (sarcastically) Hip Hip Awry! Why don’t you get Humpty Dumpty to pay for them all? He’s going to make a killing selling those green fields on to Russian billionaires.
Lord Awry There are procedures that have to be followed, woman. You are the most difficult person I have ever had to work with.
Lady Zen And you are the most bone-headed. (to Thompson, snarling) Yes?? Thompson Mister Humphry Dumfries and Herr Kid Dotcon to see you both on urgent business. Lord Awry Humpty, you’re still putting on weight I see. You’ll be the size of your German friend soon. And to what do we owe this honour of a very late night visit? Dotcon My MegaMoneyMaker device has just alerted me zat a group of carrot growers up at Turoa are planning to attack you zis morning, just after sunrise … Humphries ….helped by a ragtag mixture of spacegirls, hobbits, chefs… Dotcon ... ant un giant insekt! Humphries We thought that if we forewarned you, you would be able to put down these revolutionaries, and then you would reward us by giving us one of those old carrot farms… Dotcon … or vun each perhaps. Humphries We’ll see. Later. Away now. (Waves them away. Dumphries and Dotcon move to front-stage left . Zen flips cellphone ) Colonel? In two hours time… Yeah…
(Zen and Awry move to front-stage right and talk quietly on phones as spotlight goes off them
and curtain opens about 3/4 of the way to show Massey Flat again.
Scene 9 - Preparing for battle at Massey FlatCurtain opens
Brave Billy (cuddling Betty) Bonny Betty, my love, I’m only 17, but I must go and join in this battle with the older men. I have a feeling I may not survive the day’s fighting. Be brave. Bonny Betty Oh my darling Billy Boldheart, one day more, and you could be gone forever!
Wottonwood One day more and my beautiful Sigurny will be gone forever, vanished
Garry Ddman One day more and we’ll be able to plant carrots in our paddocks again.
(Singing, from Les Miserables. The overlapping parts for this will be learnt on a computer with an active music score. The bar or music to sing goes red at the same time as you hear it played)
Wottenwood I did not live until today.
Garry Dman One day more.
Signy & Wtwd Tomorrow you'll be worlds away
Bonny Betty B One more day all on my own. Signy & Wtwd Will we ever meet again? Bonny Betty B One more day with him not near me. Signy & Wtwd I was born to be with you. Bonny Betty B What a life we might have known. Signy & Wtwd And I swear I will be true! Bonny Betty B Now I’ll lose him in this war! Garry Dman One more day before the storm! Wottenwood Do I follow where she goes? Garry Dman At the carrot fields of freedom. Wottenwood Shall I join the growers there? Garry Dman When our ranks begin to form Wottenwood Do I stay; or do I dare? Garry Dman Will you take your place with me? Everybody The time is now, the day is here! Garry Dman One day more!
Awry & Zen One more day to revolution,
Garry Dman One day moooore!
Dotcn & Hump Watch 'em run amuck, Women One day to a new beginning Men Raise the flag of freedom high! (Wave flag with an orange carrot on it) Women Every man will be a king Men Every man will be a king Women There's a new world for the winning Men There's a new world to be won Everybody Do you hear the people sing? Wottenwood My place is here, I fight with you! Garry Dman One day more! Signy & Wtwd I did not live until today. Bold Billy B One more day all on my own! Signy & Wtwd How can I live when we are parted? Awry & Zen One more day to revolution,
Garry Dman One day moooooooooooore! Signy & Wtwd Tomorrow you'll be worlds away Bold Billy B What a life I might have known! Signy & Wtwd And yet with you my world has started Awry & Zen One more day to revolution Dotcn & Hump Watch 'em run amok Garry Dman Tomorrow we'll be far away,
Everybody Tomorrow we'll discover
(The next five lines delivered very urgently, on top of each other)
Ron Frew The Awry Zens know we’re coming. Sigurny They’re counter-attacking before sunrise, at first light. Garry Ddman That’s in one hour’s time. Bonny Betty Oh Billy, you’re all going to die. Madame Rue (Rushing in with long crate) Captain Sigurny, Captain Sigurny, I’ve just found some real swords. (lifts large sword from crate) I translocated them from the Waiouru Army Museum. Much more lethal than those rolled up newspapers. Teen-aged girl in audience (Rachael Frew? Waves arms for attention) Excuse me! Hoy! Peaches! Mister Kearney! Peter Jackson? (Everyone on stage stops and looks at her) Peter Jackson Yes - yes? Yes?? What’s the matter? Audience girl (Stands with arms akimbo) There’s been enough arguing and fighting in this pantomime already. (angrily) Us young people see too much of that in our own world - every day. (bursting into tears) We don’t want to see another war. Peter Jackson Look, I’m terribly sorry: I can see how you feel. But it’s in our script. See? (Holds up script to audience and points) - “a big battle with blood and guts and screams and dozens killed.” Audience girl (tearfully - gesturing with arms) But you’re so clever, Lord Peter. (cajoling) We’d really, really like you to give us peace. (in tears) And love. And harmony. And people having fun. I’m sure you could show us that. (smiling through tears) Please.
Peter Jackson (sigh) All right then… Team! …. We'll have to wing it here somehow.
Clapper Loader Pre-dawn preparations - with peace, love (sigh) and people having fun. And…. ACTION! Ron Frew The Awry Zens know we’re coming. Sigurny They’re counter-attacking before sunrise, at first light. Garry Dman That’s in one hour’s time. Bonny Betty Oh Billy, you’re all going to die. Madame Rue (Rushing in with the same large box) Captain Sigurny, Captain Sigurny, I’ve just found the missing ingredient! And now it’s working! Sigurny What? What’s working Madame Rue? What ingredient? Madame Rue (pulls the large plastic water squirter from box) Our love potion. Those hippy trampers gave me a herb they called Rangataua Green. (pause for laughter) I added it to my old Love Potion Number Eight, and now it’s working! Look, I just sprayed some onto Louie Ruaumoko and the Snow Queen. Ruaumoko (both of them overacting) O Queenie, I love the beautiful curves that your snow makes on my volcanos. Snow Queen Anything for you my sweet. Every time you come near, the earth moves for me. Ruamoko Rosebud!
Snow Queen Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Sigurny (Slaps Madame Rue on back) By George, you’ve got it! By George, you’ve really got it! We must get some of our secret operatives down the hill immediately. We’ll spray Lord Awry and Lady Zen with that stuff…. See to it Number One. First Officer Shape Shifters! (Beckons. Two or more space-crew step forward ) Transform yourselves into human party goers. Now! The shape-shifters rotate 360 deg, lifting their space robes and helmets, then dropping them, and face the front again as pretty girls in party gear. First Officer Good. Here’s the sprayer full of love potion number nine… I’m tele-transporting you down to Ohakune now. May the force be with you!
Wry Zens you attacked us in a carrot war We hope your incursion soon will be no more We’re making a raid right across your battle line To work a little magic with Love Potion Number Nine Shape shifters move to centre stage, facing audience, and continue to dance to the quieter music until “champagne breakfast.”
Lord Awry Are all your men in place Colonel?
Lady Zen You’re a quite a hunk yourself, Hip Hip. (giggles, squeezes his bicept) Lord Awry What are we doing here, when we could be in each other’s arms? Lady Zen (Snuggles up to him. Seductive voice ) I have a great little playgirl’s pad back in Hokowhitu. Let’s call this whole carrot thing off right now, shall we? We could be back in my pad in no time at all. Fancy a… champagne breakfast?
Lord Awry All units! All units! Pull back to Linton Army Camp immediately.
Lady Zen Humpty Dumphries and Kid Dotcon are going to be FURIOUS! (giggles ) Lord Awry Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. Lord Awry Tonight, tonight
Lady Zen Tonight, tonight
Wottenwood (leading Sigurny forward and looking at her)
Awry, Zen, Wottenwood & Sigurny
BBB & BBB (Moving forward hand in hand, and looking at each other)
Ruaumoko & Snow Queen (forward ditto, as Ruapehu erupts again – without rocks!)
Bonny Betty B (Punch this verse out. Move forward to centre. Facing audience and raising arms to embrace them all.) (Other three women come beside her, all arm in arm) All four women But here we are
All four men Good night, good night
All of cast Tonight! (Do, So, doh harmony. Women turn back to men, embrace/kiss dramatically)
Scene 10. Ohakune street, near the KegCyril Sun I’m afraid you love birds are not going to have much time for those sweet dreams. The night is already over. It’s time to get out in the paddocks and start replanting our crops. Ron Flew But Sigurny and her P.E.T. space crew to have done so much for us Cyril. Their First Officer even teleported us all down to the Junction during that last song. We must thank them before they depart. So we’re goin’ t’throw a party for them. Right now. Candy & Dopey Party time! Party time! Music! Dancing! Drinks! Dumphries Party time? It’s all right for you lot, but I’m ruined! (He’s been sitting on a low stone wall. He tips back. Yellow stuff splatters up) Snow Queen (gestures to audience) OK everybody. All together now. “Humpty Dumphries sat on the wall, Humpty ….” Dopey Dan (Points down to the yellow mess) Yeah, Humpty seems to have eggs-ploded. Sigurny What a sick yoke. Now back to the party. Some of our space crew have always wanted to play a rock and roll gig here at the Junction. If you would permit them to play for you here…? Various Go for it! Give us one from Alpha Centauri!
Cultural officer (Amelia Cowley?)
Other Spacecrew (joining in singing, and dancing.)
First Officer (salutes) Captain Sigurny. Ma’am. That nor’wester is fading fast. We must leave at once. Sigurny Get them all aboard Number One. Now. First Officer (Speaking to the ship’s computer) Open the pod bay doors please, HAL.
HAL Affirmative Dave, I read you.
First Officer All crew aboard NOW. Move, move, move! Sigurny (moves towards ship, then turns to Wottenwood) Farewell my love.
Wottenwood Fare..… (Hesitates, then moves towards her)
HobbitSigurny Take this Weta Workshop bucket as our farewell gift Wetaman.
Earthlings (taking over the instruments and the singing. All arm-in-arm, sway in time)
Sigurny (last on board, turns to wave goodbye and sings…)
Earthlings Another six months as an astronaut
This song slowsssss, and blends into
Space ship starts lifting off with usual CO2 bottle smoke, flashing lights etc while curtain is closing. Peter Jackson has been filming from front stage, front of curtain, and suddenly starts up.
Peter Jackson Hey! Stop that spacecraft!
Scene 11 - Reprise Curtain quickly re-opens, as cast takes a bow to the music of Funiculi Funicula
Repeat song at faster tempo FINAL CURTAIN
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