Ad lib your lines here.The group from the cave meet the wrinkly carrot growers and general crowd of adults still sitting outside the Rocks. Brave Billy and Bonny Betty tell of their adventures. When Ruaumoko is introduced, the name is queried.
Ron Flew So you’d be named after old Ruaumoko who was the god of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, eh Louie?
Ruaumoko He was an ancestor of mine Bro. I have inherited many of his powers, and I carry out a lot of his work for him these days. I've spent quite a bit of time recently down under Tongariro letting off steam for him, and I was returning up to the surface by way of that side tunnel. Then I discovered someone had dumped rocks at its entrance. It must have been those get-rich-quick diamond miners. I was rescued by the good work of Wottenwood, Billy and Betty here.
Brian Eates If you have some of the earthquake god’s powers, can you use them to help us to defend our carrot fields against the Awry Zens and their evil No One Plan?
Ruaumoko No problems cuz. When the great wizard Lord Peter Jackson created his magic moving pictures here a few years ago, he threw a golden ring into the mouth of Ruapehu. Watch this. (begins to perform East Coast haka Ruaumoko, stamping ground.) Ko Ruaumoko e ngu-ngu-ru nei!
Ruaumoko is rumbling here
Hi Au! Au ! Aue ha! Ko Ruaumoko e ngunguru nei!
Hi Au! Au! Aue ha!
I aha aha
E ko te rakau a tu nga werewere! I ha ha! This is the rod thrusting downwards
He rakau tapu na tutaua ki a Uenuku. The sacred rod wielded by Uenuku
I patukia ki te tipua ki o Rangitopeka, It strikes at the mysterious Rangitopeka ,
Pakaru te upoko o Rangitopeka…. And breaks its head.
The cloth Ruapehu on the back wall of the stage starts moving. Its sides swell and its top lurches up, then with a roar, glowing smoke erupts from it. Bits of polystyrene rock rain down on the stage.
And a gold ring.
Billy grabs it and gives it to Garry Dman.
Garry DmanA golden ring with writing on it!
Wottenwood That’s just the prop Peter Jackson used when he created his Lord of the Rings pictures here. But it doesn’t have any real magic powers of course. Just try it on. Nothing will happen.
Garry Dman puts it on his finger, and with a flash of light and he disappears. The ring is suspended in mid air. (thanks to an offstage fishing rod and line) Invisible Man by Queen
Everyone When you hear a sound that you just can't place
Feel somethin' move that you just can't trace
When something sits on the end of your bed
Don't turn around when you hear him tread
He’s the invisible man, he’s the invisible man
Incredible how he can see right through you
The invisible man, the invisible man
It's criminal how he can see right through you
Sherl the farmer’s wife(Jude?) grabs at ring, bumps into invisible Garry Dman, gets up, gets hold of invisible finger and withdraws ring. A flash and Garry Dearman reappears.
Ruaumoko Don’t put the ring on your finger: just rub it.
Sherl rubs the ring against Brian Eade’s stomach, another flash and a large man wearing a baseball cap (Grant?) appears.
Everyone Oh, it’s the great wizard Lord Peter Jackson!
Large Man (Grant? ) Nein, I’m ze great vizard Kid Dotcon. But I can work ze vunders, just as he does. Ze only difference is zat Kiwi politicians bribe Peter Jackson to get him to do his verk here in New Zealant….. And vith me it’s ze other vay rount.
Someone So can you stop the Awry Zens from taking our carrot fields away from us?
Dotcon Of course I can do zat. Zat is vy I am here. My MegaMoneyMaker device sent me an alert. It told me Bonny Betty Brighteyes vas texting her frients about der mineshaft full of diamants zat she found near Mittle Earth.
Bold Billy We were going to save the town with those diamonds!
Dotcon Ant you vill still be able to! Upload zem all to my MegaVault and I vill pass some of zem along to my parliamentary friend Ze Honourable John Banker. He vill be sure to help you. It is amazing how a gift or two under ze table helps you to get arount ze troublesome regulations.
Geof the DoC Ranger(running in) That eruption - it’s dumped a big rock on the entrance of the lava tunnel !! There are 7 actors who were rehearsing for the next Hobbit picture trapped inside!
Everyone O disaster, disaster!
Ruaumoko He maroro kokati ihu waka, eh? Kua hua te marama. Ha, ha, ha!
The flying fish landing in the canoe, eh? Another full moon.
In the wrong place at the wrong time, eh? What goes around, comes around.
The Snow Queen(running in. Katherine? Di? Someone older who can sing, and also fit one of this year’s winning Snow Queen costumes.) That eruption! It’s put ash all over the nice new snow my elves have been making up at Turoa. Our skifield will be closed for the rest of the season!
Everyone O disaster, disaster!
Ruaumoko Sorry about that O great Snow Queen. But look at Ruapehu now: the whole mountain is a thousand feet higher. When you get more snow on your skifield, it will stay there for an extra two months!
Murray the truck driver(John Archer? running in) I’ve seen them! The Awry Zens. They’re already past Waiouru. They overran the garrison at the army museum, and they’re already at Deadmans.
Everyone O disaster, disaster!
Sherl Only the great Peter Jackson can save us now!
I’ll try rubbing the ring again!
Ruaumoko But not on Brian’s stomach this time, rub it on his beard.
Another flash of light and a bearded figure appears.
Peter Jackson( Peaches?) You called me? Lord Peter Jackson at your service. How may I help?
Various calls We need you to create an army for us.
Peter Jackson No problems. I can whip one up for you in less than six months. Just give me a 50 million dollar government grant, 200 special effects experts, 5 supercomputers, a giant green screen, three hundred actors and four film crews.
Someone Ahh… what can you whip up in less than six minutes? We can give you 10 wrinkly old carrot farmers, a pile of Ruapehu Bulletins and this cardboard movie camera.
Peter Jackson All right, fold some of the newspapers like so, and roll the rest of them up.
Those on stage fold helmets and rolled up newspaper swords while singing “Men of Harlech.” They also recruit a few members of the audience from the front row.
Meanwhile down in the auditorium Lord Awry(Alan?) and Lady Ama Zen (Katherine? Di?) have the kids (who also play the Hobbits and film crew) and more selected members of the audience similarly armed and attired. Ohakune Brass Band start playing Men of Harlech. Those on stage sing. (The Band Of Her Majesty’s Welsh Guards) Carrot growers, in the hollow,
Do you hear like rushing billow
Wave on wave that surging follow
Battle's distant sound?
Tis the tramp of ‘Wry Zen’s foemen,
‘Wry Zen’s spearmen, ‘Wry Zen’s bowmen,
Be they knights or hinds or yeomen,
They shall bite the ground!
Both armies line up facing each other waving swords in time to the music.
Peter Jackson(behind cardboard box movie camera) Everyone in their places. (nods to Clapper Loader)
Clapper Loader(Joel Mears?) Scene 26. The armies advance. Take one. And… ACTION!
Armies march towards each other Echoes loudly waking,
Hill and valley shaking;
The placid sky,
Now bright on high,
Shall launch its bolts in thunder! Ruapehu erupts again
Onward! Waimarino needs us,
He is bravest, he who leads us
Honor's self now proudly heads us,
Freedom, God and Right!
They close together in combat, still in time to the music.
Peter Jackson “CUT!” (Everyone freezes. He relocates his camera and continues. Nods to CL)
Clapper Loader Scene 27. The Carroties fall back and are overwhelmed. Take one.
And… ACTION!” The carrot growers are driven back, and one by one fall
Upon our soil we never sought them,
Love of conquest here has brought them,
But this lesson we have taught them,
Growers never yield.
Strands of life are riven!
Blow for blow is given
In deadly lock, or battle shock,
And mercy shrieks to heaven!
Carrot growers! young or hoary,
Would you win a name in story?
Strike for home, for life, for glory!
Freedom, God and Right!
Peter Jackson And…CUT! All right everybody; it’s a wrap.
