Carrot growers, guarded by Lord Awry (Alan?), etc. are kneeling on ground pulling out carrots and laying down instant lawn. They are singing Look Down, from Les Miserables.
Carrot growersLook down, look down Don't look them in the eye
Look down, look down,
And watch our carrots die
Garry Dman The sun is strong
Now it’s grass seed we must sow
Carrot growersLook down, look down, And watch the green grass grow
Ron Flew This is so wrong!
Lord Peter, hear my prayer!
Carrot growers Look down look down, Lord Peter doesn't care
Cyril Sun For our carrots to get through!
Carrot growersLook down, look down, They’re being trucked from Timaru!
Brian Eates When I get free
Y’won't see me here for dust!
Carrot growers Look down, look down, Don’t look them in the eye
Grower Five How long, oh Lord
Before all our carrots die?
Carrot growersLook down, look down, You'll always be a slave
Look down, look down,
You're standing in your grave.
A siren sounds.
Lord Awry All right everybody. Knock-off time. The week-end is all yours. You’ve been doing a fine job in the greening of the Waimarino. See you back here on Monday morning.
Lady Ama Zen (Katherine?) It’s beer o’clock for me. I’ll shout you all an ale at the Rocks for doing such good work today.(Exits with Lord Awry and Awry Zen guards)
Brian Eates (aside to other CGs) Beer o’clock! I haven’t got time for beer-drinking these days. Or enough money for it. I’ve got to go off and water my little carrot plot.
Dopey Dan(Liz Brooker?) Oh, you’re into illegal horticulture these days as well Brian! I’ve been growing Rangataua Green for years, but now I’ve switched to Ohakune Orange because there’s much better money in it these days.
Brian Eates Yeah, Dopey, the top restaurants in Auckland are fighting to get Ohakune carrots. They tried serving those ones from Timaru but basically those southern varieties are only juicing grade, and customers wouldn’t eat them.
Garry Dman I’ve got my carrot crop hidden in the bush behind Rangataua; where have you got yours Brian?
Brian Eates I’ve got mine in the Karioi pine plantation. They look just like pine seedlings. What’s your favourite area Dopey?
Dopey Dan The police helicopter kept finding all my patches, so now I grow my carrot the same way as I grow my weed. Hy-dro-po-nic-ly.
Cyril Sun Hydroponic carrots! Your bill from the Lines Company must be enormous Dopey!
Dopey Dan Nah! I’ve followed the trend and gone offline Cyril. Got a windmill on the ridge and a turbine on that waterfall in the bush behind my place. The power doesn’t cost me a cent.
Brian Eates Well, I’m off to my plot. No rest for the wicked. See y’ tomorrow.
They all say goodbye and exit. Enter BBB and BBB
Bold Billy Oh Bonny Betty Brighteyes, I won’t be getting you that diamond necklace after all.
Bonny Betty Those little people I saw going to dig for diamonds were only actors rehearsing the next picture Peter Jackson is going to make up this way, eh?
Bold Billy He’s calling it “Snow White and the Seven Hobbits.”
Bonny Betty And those so-called “diamonds” we saw them carrying must have been all been props created in the Weta Workshops. Wottenwood says he knows the weta who crafted them. So you will never have that Big Diamond outside Middle Earth now Billy.
Bold Billy Never mind Betty, the sparkle in your eyes when we got you out of that cavern was more precious to me than any gemstone. It was a real 24-carat smile. I guess you must eat a lot of carrots.
Bonny Betty O you are so silly Billy, a real big silly-billy! (simpers)
Bold Billy No Betty I mean it….(sings)
You wait little girl
On an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life little girl
is an empty page
that men will want to write on
Bonny Betty To write on
Bold Billy You are 16 going on 17
Baby its time to think
Better beware
Be canny and careful
Baby you're on the brink
You are 16 going on 17
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads
And lifties and cads
Will offer you fruit and wine
Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken
You need someone
Older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am 17 going on 18
I'll take care of you
Bonny Betty I am 16 going on 17
I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
And willingly I believe
I am 16 going on 17
Innocent as a rose
Those Awry Zen soldiers
Get bolder and bolder
What do I know of those?
Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken
I need someone
Older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are 17 going on 18
I'll depend on you.
Bold Billy Yes you certainly can depend on me.
Bonny Betty Oh great, I was hoping I could: I’m going on a tramping trip with some of the carrot growers up to the Blyth Hut this evening. You can carry my pack for me. (She hands him an old Mountain Mule with billies etc attached all over it.)
Enter several wrinkly carrot growers, including Wottenwood, with shorts, boots, packs etc. These can either be the same actors who played the Deadman, Frew, Eades, Chan parts earlier, or another set of actors, depending on people available, ability to attend rehearsals etc.
Ron Flew Oh good. You've got your gear Betty; and a bearer for it as well... Excellent! We’re almost ready to roll. (to others) Can you share this lot out amongst all of you? (packs opened, fiddled with)
Candy Moth (Lynn Pope? Kandy Mott?) We’re going to have great weather: there’s a nor’wester blowing.
Dopey Dan Yes, look at the mountain: the Rangataua Pet has arrived.
(A cardboard cutout Rangataua Pet cloud about the size of a dining table has appeared on the wall to stage left of the mountain)
Ron Flew I remember our old science teacher at Rock College telling us that … (quickly, parrot fashion) the Pet is formed when a moist air flow from the north west rises up over Mt Ruapehu and a large-scale standing wave forms on its south east side.
Cyril Sun(facing him and cutting in) The temperature at the crest of the wave drops to the dew point, so moisture in the air condenses to form lenticular clouds.
Both of them As the moist air moves back down into the trough of the wave, the cloud evaporates back into vapour!
Candy Moth That’s what they say…..!
Dopey Dan ...but we know it’s a mothership from a planet near Alpha Centauri...
Candy Moth ...full of members of an advanced civilization ….
Dopey Dan ... who have come to bring peace, wisdom and prosperity to those of us who live around the mountain…
Candy Moth ...and to protect us all from alien monsters and evil despots.
Bold Billy I guess we’ll find out when we get to Blyth Hut, eh?
All start singing, and stage slowly darkens.
(Tune - Away Away with Rum by Gum, but sung faster) See us at your National Park On Friday night just after dark
Through rain and snow us trampers go
Up the slopes of Ruapehu
Away, away, with billy and pack
Lolloping down the mountain track
We'll all get lost and never come back
On the slopes of Ruapehu
Peter Jackson “CUT! All right everybody; it’s a wrap. Time for a break and a cup of tea. I’ll see you all back here on the set in 20 minutes.