Lord of the Wrinklies

INTERVAL

Scene 6 - Side of Ruapehu above Blyth Hut, at night

Curtain opens

During interval the field props and cutout Rangataua Pet are removed and are replaced by alpine shrubs, and the large curved side of the Rangataua Pet spacecraft stage left is swung down into place.

Smoke machine makes fog on darkened stage. Trampers enter from rear of audience with headlamps, singing

Garry D                (in front) I can’t see anything in this fog. We should have reached Blyth Hut twenty minutes ago. Are you sure we haven’t gone straight past it?

All other Trampers (tune of John Brown’s Body, exaggerated marching on the spot)
We were tramping up the mountain,
Through the fog and through the snow
Ice was all around us
And a howling wind did blow

Candy Moth         And then the fog rolled back
Hey, there’s the summit down below! (all point down)
O gor blimy, we’re a thousand feet too high.

Don’t you think it looks peculiar
Don’t you think it looks peculiar
Don’t you think it looks peculiar
O gor blimy, we’re a thousand feet too high.

(1st tramper’s light catches the side of the slowly descending Rangataua Pet stage left, a 5 metre high cutout side of a flying saucer.)

Garry D                Is that the hut in front of us now? (He shines his torch at it. Lights start flickering down the edge of the craft. As it descends it emanates a green glow. A spotlight from it shines onto them, then floodlights ) Oh, good Lord!

Candy Moth         Hey! We were right...
(slaps Dopey Dan on back in delight; they dance in celebration)

Dopey Dan          … the Rangataua Pet is a mothership!

Strange Alien creatures Led by Captain Sigurny Wifa (Margaret?) step down out of the craft as Thus Spoke Zarathustra plays. There is a moment of high tension - then the music changes and the Aliens all start dancing, and singing

All Aliens             We’re the one-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
What a sight to see.

Garry Ddman        (on his mountain radio)
Mountain Rescue! Mountain Rescue!
I can see these things comin' out of the sky
They’ve got one long horn, and one big eye
I’m a wondering what these little things could be
They look like purple carrot eaters to me

All Aliens             We’re the one-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters

Trampers            You sure look strange to me

Candy Moth          (grabs mountain radio)
They’ve come out of the Pet and they’ve lit on the scree
I say Mr. Purple Carrot Eater, don't eat me
Now he’s answerin’ me in a voice so gruff

Alien boy              I wouldn't eat you cuz you're too tough

All Aliens             We’re the one-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters

Trampers              You sure look strange to me

Dopey Dan           I say Mr. Purple People Eater, what's your line

Alien boy              It’s collecting Kune carrots coz they sure are fine

All Aliens             But that's not the only reason why we came to land
We want ’a get a gig as a rock and roll band.

Trampers             Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple carrot eaters
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple carrot eaters

Aliens                   We wear short shorts!
Friendly little carrot eaters
What a sight to see

Garry Ddman       Now they’ve run from the scree and onto flat ground

Candy Moth          They’re a starting to rock, a really rollin' around

Dopey Dan           It’s a crazy ditty they’re a singin' to

All Aliens             Sing a bop boppa-boppa loppa lum bam boo!

Everyone, both Aliens and trampers
Well bless my soul, rock and roll, flyin' purple carrots eaters
Pigeon-toed, undergrowed, flyin' purple carrots eaters
We wear short shorts!
Friendly little carrot eaters
What a sight to see.

Smallest Alien      Shar-key-lah!

Sigurny                   (Margaret?) (steps forward and touches antennae with Wottenwood Weta)
Greetings, oh great one. I can see you are the leader of these Earthlings, for you are the only one with an advanced communications device, and also you are by far the most handsome.

Wottenwood        Welcome to Middle Earth strangers. I’m Wally Wottenwood, a Weta Workshops stuntman. (shake hands)

Sigurny                And I am Sigurny Wifa, the commander of P.E.T. 293, our Planetary Exploration Transporter from Alpha Centauri. We have come to bring you bring peace, wisdom and prosperity, and to keep you free from alien monsters and evil despots.

                                (Marcia & Dopey smirk, give thumbs up to each other in background)

First Officer         (Emma Dowman?) And in return we would like to load our ship with your best Ohakune carrots, especially Mrs Young’s prize purple ones.

Cultural Officer   (Amanda?) And we also want a gig playing to the cool dudes at the Junction before we return home to Alpha Centauri. A bop boppa boppa loppa lum bam boo!

Wottenwood       Thank you for the compliment, Sigurny Wifa. And you yourself are far more beautiful than any human I have ever met.

Sigurny               Yes, we Centaurians are fortunate in our good looks. (aside ) I’m glad we don’t look like your human friends there. Now, how many hundred tonnes of carrots can you supply us with?

Cyril Sun              Alas, we have been over-run by those despots Lord Hip Hip Awry and the Ama Zen Lady.

Candy Moth         The Awry Zens have made it impossible for us to plant carrots.

Dopey Dan           So we can’t supply you with any of them.

Wottenwood       Unless…..

Sigurny               Unless?

Wottenwood       …unless you can help us to get rid of these Awry Zens who have conquered Middle Earth.

First Officer        The best thing for that is would be a thing our ship’s scientist, Madame Rue here, has not yet perfected. It’s a love potion to stop tyrants going to war and conquering others.

Dopey Dan          Yeah man! Make love, not war! Make love, not war! (peace signs with fingers)

Madame Rue        (Gini? Kandy?) Right on, man! I’ve gathered ingredients from eight different planets, but I haven’t quite got it right yet. Love potion number eight was very promising, but I think it still needs one more ingredient.

First Officer        However, we can help you with everything you need for your usual everyday enhanced reality jobs. Teleporting, shape-shifting, hyper-drive, gravity-reversal, time travel… you name it, we can do it.

Ron Flew            You can? Then we must get together with the others and make a plan. Betty Brighteyes! Can you stop texting Billy Boldheart for a minute, and find out where the Snow Queen and Ruaumoko are?

Bonny BB            (TXTing, then…) They say they are hiding out in the Massey hut up near Turoa with the Seven Hobbits.

Wottenwood        How quickly can you get us there Sigurny?

Sigurny               Usually our Mothership could transport up there in about twenty minutes. But for a creature as handsome as you, I’ll make use of some of our hyperdrive forcefield potential and have us there in - ahh - 42 microseconds. Now could you and your wrinkly friends step aboard please?

                                        (She takes Wottenwood’s arm and escorts him aboard. Others follow, singing)

Everybody          One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
One-eyed one-horned flying purple carrot eaters
What a sight to see.

                                Star Wars music again - flickering lights under craft, smoke (CO2 extinguisher) then a flash and it disappears. Stage lights darken. (Remember it is 10pm on the mountainside!)

Peter Jackson    (Appears at stage right with cardboard movie camera)
And… CUT! Well done team. Those enhanced reality effects you Weta Workshop guys put together yesterday worked amazingly well just now.

                                Film crew appear on stage with clipboards, lights, make-up kits torches, etc, clapping each other on the back.

First film crew assistant (Steven Dowman?) Yeah, we’re the world champions when it comes to special effects.

He starts singing We Are The Champions, and all gradually join in.

We’ve made great films -
Time after time -
We’ve won Oscars galore
And we’re still right in our prime -
Those dud outtakes
We’ve made a few
We've had our share of abuse from on high -
But we've come through

We are the champions - my friends
And we'll keep on filming - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for bloopers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world -

We are the champions my friends
And we'll keep on filming - till the end -
We are the champions -
We are the champions
No time for bloopers
'Cause we are the champions - of the world –

Peter Jackson    You are so right team. Now let’s get this next scene into the can. Everybody in their places please.

Clapper Loader    (Joel Mears?) Scene 34, Take One, The Mothership lands on MASSEY FLAT. And… ACTION!
Film-makers withdraw stage right.