Lord of the Wrinklies

Scene 3 - Cave under mountain

Bold Billy            enters stage right, crawls across stage in front of curtain with a small torch.
Not much room here, ouch! ( Ad lib more words to suit) Suddenly touched by antennae of weird creature. Yells, shines torch to see what it is.
Ahh! What’s that? It's a giant weta!
He sings Dave Hollis’s Wottonwood Weta song  

Here comes a Wottenwood Weta
Out of his wottenwood cave
Oh dear, it's a Wottenwood Weta
So I’ll have to be very brave

Wottenwood (Richard? ) Menacing slow dance towards BBB, who steps back in time to music, miming horror)
Ohh, tic, tic. Ahh, tic, tic. Ohh, tic, tic. Ahh, tic, tic.
Ohh, tic, tic. Ahh, tic, tic. Ohh, tic, tic. Ahh, tic, tic.
I see you my boy,
You're looking quite pale
You're shaking and you're quaking
At the size of my tail
Oh why could it be
Are you down here with me?
Tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic.

Ohh, tic-tic. Ahh, tic-tic. Ohh, tic-tic. Ahh, tic-tic.
Ohh, tic-tic. Ahh, tic-tic. Ohh, tic-tic. Ahh, tic-tic.
Though it's wotten I know
This cave is my home
So don't break things or take things
Without asking me first.
Or I'll give you a nip
On the place that you sit
Tic-tic, tic-tic, tic-tic.

Bold Billy            Oh, I’m sorry Mister Weta. I won’t do anything without asking you if it’s OK. Juuuust keep those big mandibles of yours away from me. I don’t want to be eaten by you.

Wottenwood        Nah, I wouldn’t eat you. I’m a vegetarian, although all I’ve had to eat down here are rotten leaves and twigs that the wind blows in.

Bold Billy            Right then, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse. Take a bite of this carrot. (He pulls a carrot from his pocket)

Wottenwood         (munches) Yum! Delicious! I could happily live on these. (Puts out foreleg/hand) Wottenwood’s the name boy. Anything I can do to help you, just ask.

Bold Billy            Pleased t’meet ‘cha Wottenwood, I’m Billy. Thanks for your offer. If you come with me, I can get you plenty more of those carrots. (pauses) For now, at any rate.

Voice from below (Brooklyn? Diana? Or split this role for two girls also?) Help! Help! You lot up there; can you help me? Help!

Bold Billy            (looks over ledge front of stage, shines torch) Oh, it’s you! Bonny Betty Brighteyes! Gosh, you’re a long way down. No problems though. My mate Wottenwood is good at crawling down cliffs.

Ad lib your lines here – Wottenwood crawls down the cliff, Betty screams in fear, is calmed, and then helped up. She thanks them, hugging and then kissing Billy enthusiastically then hugging Wwd, with some reluctance. “Oh Mister Wottenwood, you are so strong, so very strong!” Wwd holds his face out expectantly, “ So do I get a kiss too?” BBB finally kisses him – and he begins a transformation into a man. He straightens up. Hind legs, rear end, thorax all fall off. But not his head. (We need his ugly head later in the story, but all those spiky rear bits would create havoc in the confined area backstage, and being bent over all the time would be painful)

Bonny Betty        Goodness me, I feel just like the princess who turned the frog into a prince by kissing it.

Wottenwood       Actually you’ve just managed to unhook my prosthetic exoskeleton. I’m not a real weta of course. Real wetas can’t speak or sing you know. And (sadly) I’m not a prince either. Just a stunt-man. I was put into this suit when the great Lord Peter Jackson made his movie about that giant ape.

Bonny Betty       King Kong? I saw the film. Were you the weta in it? You were so good.

Wottenwood       Thank you. I haven’t seen the movie yet because the film crew accidentally left me behind here. It was just as well I was still wearing all that gear so I could climb down the rock wall and rescue you, eh?

Bold Billy            It certainly was, Mister Wottenwood. And how exactly did you end up down there, Bonny Betty?

Bonny Betty        I was on my way to visit my friend Susie Snowwhite, when I saw seven bearded men with picks and shovels heading off behind Raetihi Hill. I followed them into this cave, but in the dark I slipped down that hole. It was real scary, but my organic salad garden is going to get a boost, because (pauses) I think I’ve discovered a really good supply of - (pauses wipes face, looks at her hand with disgust says slowly) eccch! - bat droppings?

Faint singing is heard offstage, stage left, coming closer, and louder

Voices               Hi hoooo, Hi hooooo, Hi hooooo, Hi hooooo, Hi hooooooooooooo:

Bonny Betty        It’s those bearded men. Quick, hide.
      (They hide behind the centre gap in the curtain)

Voices               Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
It’s home from work we go
We’ve kept on singing all day long
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho

Seven Hobbits    Our seven shortest actors in beards and big gumboots march on stage left with lanterns, picks, shovels. Last and smallest (Harry?) has a bucket of diamonds. They do a boot stomp dance and march off stage right.
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Its home from work we go
Whistles
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho

We did dig dig dig dig dig dig dig
In our mine the whole day through
To dig dig dig diga dig dig dig
Is what we like to do
It ain’t no trick to get rich quick
If ya dig dig dig with a shovel or a stick
In the mines ( In the mines)
IN THE MlNES ( IN THE MINES)
Where a million diamonds -- shiiiiiiiiiiiiine

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig
From early morn til’ night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig
Up everything in sight
We dig up diamonds by the score
A thousand rubies, sometimes more
But we don’t know what we dig them for
We dig dig diga dig dig.

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho
Its home from work we go
We keep on singing all day long
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho.

Bold Billy            Wow, there really are diamonds under Ruapehu! Old Humphrey Dumphries is going to be so jealous.

Bonny Betty        Diamonds! Oh Billy Braveheart! I’ve always wanted to have diamonds. (Sings Marilyn Monroe song)

The French are glad to die for love.
They delight in fighting duels. (Billy and Wally mime a mock duel)
But I prefer a man who lives
And gives expensive jewels. (B & W exaggerated dismay)
A kiss on the hand (Holds out hand to Billy, who kisses it)
May be quite continental,
But diamonds are a girl's best friend (Betty exaggerates putting a big ring on it)
A kiss may be grand
But it won’t pay the rental
On your humble flat or feed your pussycat (Mimes feeding cat)

Men grow cold as girls grow old (Billy put up hands in denial)
And we all lose our charms in the end (bad posture, wrinkled face Billy shakes head)
But square-cut or pear-shaped (Up straight hands by side, then holds skirt out)
These rocks don’t lose their shape (Accentuates her female figure)
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. (Bravura finish)

Bold Billy            No problems, Betty Brighteyes, I’ll go down that mineshaft right now and find those diamonds for you. And I’ll save the town at the same time. Instead of being the Big Carrot, Middle Earth will become known as the Big Diamond! Wait here; I won’t be long.
(He goes down the passage the dwarves came from.. voice offstage)
Nothing there? No. Nothing there either. Darn! (returns, dejected)
Those dwarves must have taken all the diamonds with then.

Wottenwood        What about over here Billy? There might be diamonds in this little side tunnel. It’s been blocked by rocks. (tunnel in centre gap of curtain)

Ad lib your lines here They remove rocks. Then muffled curses, in Maori. Po-koko-hua etc. Big Maori man is revealed (RFS manager?) He introduces himself as Louie Ruaumoko. They guide him out of cave.