Garry Dearman(Don Cameron?) enters, elderly, wrinkled, tired, talking on cellphone, slumps into armchair right stage, on left of audience) Yeah Ron, I got the last of m’ carrots planted t’day…… (listens) Yeah! Too true! That paddock could very well be the last paddock full stop. It’s that confounded One Plan. With the cost and hassle of getting resource consents from those Horizons wallahs in Palmy, and lawyers fees, and all the paperwork, it’s getting harder each year t’ grow a crop…….! Well, good night.(flips phone shut mutters) Horizons! They act like the lord of the manor at times…. (drifts off to sleep then suddenly disturbed by a dream, waves arm to fend off attackers)
….. Ahh! Horizons! No!
This is the cue for the Ohakune Brass Bandat the back of the hall, behind the audience, to burst into “Funiculi, Funicula” and march towards front of audience leading a “Middle Earth Carrot Carnival” procession of our young actors in medieval fancy dress dancing in time to Funiculi Funiculi and carrying floats (painted cardboard flats cut in shape of wagons, giant veges, etc) from rear of hall and across open space between stage and front row of audience. As the band starts to repeat the tune, the curtains go back to reveal a brightly lit…
Scene 2. “Middle Earth” Ohakune street
Curtain opens
Animated canvas Mt Ruapehu in background. We use a tarpaulin over the same platform used in Arabian Nites. The puppeteers behind it hold the shaped peak and sway in time to the music.
“Middle Earth Mountain Rocks” sign stage left, with table and chairs. People in “Middle Earth” clothing gathered to watch carrot carnival. Garry Dearman and four other wrinkly old carrot growersat table begin singing. Crowd of field workers, lifties, restaurant staff etc (adults in the cast) behind them sing refrains. As they sway from side to side, the mountain sways from side to side also. Our life in Middle Earth is quite bucolic That is so true! That is so true! Today we’re going to have some fun and frolic
We’re joining you! We’re joining you! Yesterday, we finished all our carrot sowing,
That’s great to hear! That’s great to hear! And now we want to get a party going
Bring on the beer! Bring on the beer! All sing. Carrots, parsnips, spuds and brussels sprouts
Carrots, parsnips, spuds and brussels sprouts
We sow them in, we dig them out
We sow them in, we dig them out
We’ve got veges everywhere,
We sow them in, we dig them out!
Brian Eates (John Eades?) Everybody, join me in a drink to the success of our carrot season. The reputation of our crops is a tribute to all you carrot growers here.
Scott Notion Yeah, our Middle Earth carrots really are famous as. But it is not just you growers who have earned them such a reputation. We chefs here in Middle Earth add that je ne sais pas when we present them to diners.
Brian Eates Yeah? Diners only get two options when you guys serve carrots don’t they? Raw or cooked.
Scott Notion Oh no! There’s lots more ways. There’s ... (sings)
Carrots chopped and carrots sliced…
All chefs ...carrots steamed and carrots roasted
Angel Chef Carrots grated, carrots diced... …carrots souffléed, carrots toasted.
Rocks Chef Carrots mashed and carrots curried…
…carrot soup and carrot wine
Keg Chef Carrot marmalade for breakfast…
…carrot pizza is divine!
Brian Eates All right, we get the picture.
Carrot salad, carrot chowchow; …carrot ice cream, carrot jam
Carrot pie and carrot ragout
… carrot served with peas and ham
Carrot gumbo, carrot burger;
…carrots served in every way
We have carrots in our hangi;
…we eat carrots every day!
Ron Flew (or Mrs Flew) Huh! We won’t be eating carrots every day much longer if our outriders can’t protect our Middle Earth borders.
Cyril Sun (or a woman grower) And there won’t be any more carrot festivals either Ron. Us wrinklies could well be the last of the carrot growers in this district.
Garry Dman Unless Lord Hippolyte Hibberd Awry and Lady Amanda Zen can be stopped from invading our district Brian.
Brian Eates (sarcastic) Lord Hip-hip Awry and the Ama Zen Lady!According to the latest rumours Garry, they’re going to combine forces and make one great Awry Zen army.
Garry Dman Yeah! They’re plotting in their dukedoms down on the Manawatu and Wanganui coastlands to bring their army up here and put their dreaded No One Plan into action.
Ron Flew Garry, that confounded Awry Zens’ No One Plan will ruin us all! No one farming around our mountain will be able to plough up their land any more.
Cyril Sun Yeah Ron, they want t’ replace all our agricultural land with grass, t ’promote this district’s clean green image for the Awry Zen’s great (sarcastic) money-making tourist enterprise.
John Eates That Awry Zens’ No One Plan of is going to put us wrinkly old vegetable growers out of business Cyril. Our young folk like Bold Billy Braveheart here won’t be able to carry the old traditions.
Bold Billy Braveheart (principal boy - Matt Dowman? Diana? Or both of them – split this role into two boys?) There isn’t much we can do to stop the Awry Zens is there? But if they are going to bring more tourists here, then I’m going to earn a living by finding new attractions to show them.
Cyril Sun What new attractions Billy?
Bold Billy A deer-stalking mate told me about a tunnel he found at the bottom of the mountain. It must have been formed by an old lava flow. I’m going to explore it. It may have glow-worms in it.
Humphrey Dumfries (Nigel?) (Entering. Fat, slimy, the villain) Glow worms! We’ve got volcanic rock here Billy. Glow worms are found in limestone caves. The only glowing things you might find in our rocks are what they get out of volcanic rocks in South Africa. Diamonds! Who knows? You might get lucky. Haw, haw! A fat chance of that.
Ron Frew So what would you suggest young Billy does then Mister Dumphries?
Humphrey D If you want to get onto a sure thing Billy, come and work for me in my real estate development business, Humphrey Dumphries Unlimited. I’m borrowing money to buy farms from struggling carrot growers. Then I'm turning the land into walled estates to sell to overseas billionaires. I need a strong young lad to build the stone walls for me. And mow the lawns ...dozens of acres.
Bold Billy No thanks, Mister Dumfries. I want to develop my own business. I’m just heading off now to check out that cave for glow worms. Who knows, I might find diamonds! (exits stage right, and turns at side curtain) Yeah, right!
